Perhaps one of the most hotly debated, and even hated, passages of Scripture is Ephesians 5: 22-33, which reads:

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

In the passage, the apostle Paul is giving instructions regarding marriage to the Ephesian church. Wives are called to submit to the authority of their husbands, while the husbands are given instructions on loving and leading their wives. Paul is quite clear in his writing here, explaining the roles each person has in the marriage. While Scripture is equally clear that no one person, or types of persons, has higher value in the eyes of God, all persons have specific functions they are given within the body of Christ. From positions within the church structure, to the types of gifts each person has, down to the duties of persons within the family unit, all Christians are commanded by God to live and act within the categorical roles He has given us.

To that end, God has given unique instructions to husbands and wives. This biblical structure calls the husband into the position and responsibility of leading the home and the wife supporting and submitting to her husband. This has often been termed as a patriarchal structure, though some have given it the more muted term of “complementarianism.” Men and women, work together in their God-given roles, complementing each other by acting in cooperation instead of at odds with one another.

Yet, this structure is often attacked by those within egalitarian circles. They argue it reduces the wife to the role of a servant while the husband enjoys an unfettered dictatorial role. Furthermore, there are claims that this structure, while clearly defined in Scripture, cannot possibly be biblical because it paves the way for physical and emotional abuse. To that end, it is worth taking time to look at these passages to explain just what Paul is commanding of us and why. We will start by looking at submission.

Submission:

Paul first commands wives to submit to their own husbands. This is a clear command, not a lot there to muddy the waters. The wife has a supportive role in the home. God created her to be the husband’s helper, or “help-meet” (see Gen. 2: 15-25). This is not a position of servanthood or slavery. She is the one uniquely created person made to complete all that the husband is not. She is his lover, comforter, and friend. She is the mother to his children, the fellow parent and authority in the lives of their progeny. She works in partnership with him even if her role and duties differ. She is in every way his equal, yet she submits to his authority because God has ordained this unique role for her.

But, let us understand that Paul does not simply issue the mere command out of his own will. Paul adds an additional thrust to it by adding, “as unto the Lord.” This is what defines the role of the wife and her submission to her husband. It is an act of devotion and obedience to God Himself. Just as she is called to ultimately submit to her Lord and Savior, to seek to obey all that He has commanded and to grow in Christ-likeness in all other areas of her Christian walk, the role of the wife is no different.

In submitting to her husband, a wife gives a willing demonstration of her love and desire to please Christ by doing all that He has called her to do. She entrusts herself completely to the hands of God, knowing that His plans and purposes are perfect in all ways. She loves the Lord more than anything this world has to offer and knows that God’s commands are ultimately for her good and His glory. Submission, therefore, is not about being reduced to a slave (as the world would view it), rather, it is an act of seeking to be conformed to the image of Christ.

Furthermore, Paul explains that the wife is demonstrating something even more beautiful. She is modeling the role of the church to the world at large. The church, the bride of Christ, is called to submit to all our magnificent Bridegroom commands. Through His death, burial, and resurrection, Christ has purchased us and made us His own. He has transformed us and indwelt us with His Holy Spirit. We now seek to live in obedience to all that Christ has commanded us as He is the head of the body, the church.

Likewise, the wife, in her role, submits to her husband in a microcosmic picture of her marriage. She is to portray to the world what the church is supposed to be doing by playing the role of the church while the husband models Christ. When done rightly, the world sees in our marriages Christ’s relationship with His church.

What about the claims of slavery and abuse? Do not women suffer in these roles where patriarchy reigns supreme? Sadly, yes, this does happen. Far too often have sinful men abused the position that God has called them to serve in. No matter how articulately Scripture commands us to obey God, men, and women, all will seek to find ways to thwart God’s will and satisfy their own debased desires. This does not mean the command of God is evil but, rather, evil men seek to contort and malign the Word of God to achieve their own ends.

We dare not reject the clear teachings of Scripture because some have used it to sin. Instead, we proclaim the Word of God more boldly and rebuke those who refuse to rightly obey it. This includes addressing sin through church discipline as outlined in Matthew 18: 15-17. Wives are not merely to endure sinful abuse silently. Such sin should be addressed to and by the church.

Knowing all this, wives are therefore called to obey God’s commands regarding their role in the home. Refusal on the part of a wife to submit to her husband is indicative of a heart that seeks to serve itself over God. It demonstrates an unwillingness to believe that God’s ways are better than our own and says that He cannot be trusted. God’s purposes are perfect, it is we who are imperfect and sinful. Rather than reject His design for marriage, wives ought to celebrate the beautiful role He has given them.

But, we are not done here. Husbands, it is our turn.

Love:

Husbands are called to love their wives. No, we are not talking about the Hallmark movie, endorphin rushing, emotionalism that is so often called love. We are talking about an action. We are talking about doing something to and for the wife that is more than simply feeling emotional affection. What we are talking about is the husband being called to a role wherein he denies himself and sacrificially loves his wife.

And this is not merely being given the ability to make all the decisions for the family. It is not just holding down the job and providing the basic needs for the home. It is far more than that. Paul commands the husband to love, not in the way the world defines love. Instead, he commands the husband to love as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Understand this, Christ’s love for His bride was demonstrated in that He willingly went to the cross to pay the penalty for her sins. He suffered and died for the church so that she might be made pure. Christ’s love is a self-sacrificing love.

While husbands do hold a unique role of authority in marriage, it is not a role defined by tyrannical, dictatorial rule. Instead, it is servant-hearted leadership. In Luke 22: 25-27, Jesus says to his disciples, “The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them, and those in authority over them are called benefactors. But not so with you. Rather, let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves. For who is the greater, one who reclines at table or one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves.” Jesus taught that biblical authority is not demonstrated in the power to demand of others but in a willingness to be the chief servant.

The husband loves his wife by willingly putting himself aside to lead, guide, comfort, provide for, and serve her. He looks to her own needs first, that he might cherish and nourish her. She is his first and utmost priority over all others. No longer is there any person in his life that can claim dominion over his time and energies, including himself. In his role of authority in the home, the husband takes the ultimate responsibility to teach, build up, and pray for his wife’s spiritual and emotional growth. He sees his position, not as a means to command her to fulfill his every desire, but to serve her in such a way that she flourishes in her role as his wife.

The husband leads not only in word but also in deed. He is the primary example of submitting to God and His Word. He is to be a student of the Scriptures, applying them in his own life and growing in maturity and wisdom. He is the first to admit sin and demonstrate willing repentance. He also listens to his wife because God made her uniquely to be there for him. She is not without knowledge or understanding. He is growing her and making her a fit vessel for His use. As she grows in her role, she is there to help her husband. While he has the responsibility for the home (and all the accountability that comes with it), the husband is not alone.

And, like the wife, the husband’s role is also a picture to the world. He represents the Bridegroom Himself. The one who emptied Himself and took on the form of a servant that He might be humbled and obedient to the point of death (Ephesians 2: 5-11). As the one who is called to love his bride, the husband demonstrates a willing sacrifice of self that he might make much of his wife. He does so that the world might see on display, through his marriage, what Christ did for us. No, being in authority is not a free pass to act as a tyrant king. It is a command to die to yourself so that you might love and serve another.

Finally, a husband who loves biblically does not abuse his wife or his authority. Such a thought ought to be the furthest thing from his mind. One who abuses the bride he has been given has rebelled against God’s authority. He has loved himself more than God and believes the desires of his flesh need to be satisfied above all else. He has willingly corrupted the picture of Christ as the Bridegroom to the world. Such a refusal to honor the biblically defined role of the husband brings with it serious consequences.

A Final Thought:

Before we leave, let there be one final consideration for husbands and wives. We have sought to demonstrate that God’s defining roles in marriage are part of His beautiful plan for our lives. Both husbands and wives are called to serve in their marriage for the betterment of the other. Done so biblically, marriages grow and flourish in God’s hands. Furthermore, they demonstrate to the world the gospel of Christ in action. A people purchased by God through the death of His Son united eternally to their bridegroom who sacrificially loves them.

While men and women may strive to obey God’s commands in their roles, we are all imperfect people. We will fail and we will all sin. Therefore, we must remember that these are not contingent commands from God. We are not permitted to cease fulfilling our biblical obligations when, not if, our spouse fails to uphold the duties to which they have been called. Husbands will rule the home wrongly, or worse, fail to lead at all. Wives will not only fail to submit but may seek to supplant the husband as the authority in the home. In fact, the curse of the fall in Genesis 3: 16-19 guarantees this. These failings are not an escape clause from obeying what Paul wrote to the Ephesians. Rather, we should view the failings of our spouses as a reason to be all the more obedient to God’s commands in our marriages.

Husbands, when confronted with the very real truth that your wife will sin against you, think on the Savior who leads you when you disobey Him. He does not turn from you, He does not cease to lead you, and He does not give up on you. Rather, He comes alongside you, corrects you, rebukes you, and chastises you. He does this in a spirit of love for the express purpose of reconciliation with you. He does not beat down on you, Christ lovingly leads and corrects you. Do so likewise for your wife. Remember that the apostle Peter calls you to live with your wives “in an understanding way” and that you are to honor her “as the weaker vessel” (1 Peter 3:7). Failure to do so will even hinder your very prayers.

Wives, your husbands will be arrogant, will speak harshly, will fail to lead as they should, and will sin against you. Yet, you too serve a Savior who looked down on you at your very worst and said, “She is mine.” He purchased you and made you His own when you had no right to receive anything good from Him. Like you, Jesus is the answer to your husband’s sins. And just as He changed you and brought you to repentance, He can do the same for your husband. It is not by rebelling against God’s role for you that this will be accomplished. Remember the words of apostle Peter to you in 1 Peter 3: 1-2 where he taught you that “they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.” No, this does not mean you cannot speak to your husband about his sin against you. You are not called to be a silent doormat enduring harsh and vile treatment. But, in your willing submission to your husband (which does not include being led to sin, you are not to submit to that which is sin), you submit wholly to Christ and trust in His plans and purposes.

Brethren, our marriages are a precious gift from the Lord. They are uniquely designed to complement each other and to fulfill our longings for companionship and emotional affection, but, more importantly, they are part of God’s beautiful purposes in this world. We are put in marital roles which are designed to conform us to the image of Christ and which announce the gospel of grace to the entire world. Therefore, let us cherish these unions by loving God first and foremost above all and then doing all that He commands us to do inside our homes, including obeying the roles He has given us.

(This article was also published at X.com)